NEPTUNE at my door

24/5/10
Well, it rained and our house nearly flooded. The water came right up to the doorstep and deposited an inch of disgusting mud by my front step.
It was scary, actually. I can’t stop thinking about what I am going to do if it happens again overnight and I don’t know it is happening.
It reminded me of the night my husband left me. He drove off into the night and about an hour later, when I was exhausted from crying, I noticed that the road that our house was on was full of water and the people across the road were flooded.
I went out there, leaving my children asleep in their beds and helped lay sand bags in the rain up to my mid calves in water well into the night.
It was raining hard and it was the first time in my life that I had made such a tremendous decision: a decision of my own. Now it seems rather unimportant, but at the time, I was a woman who was out there shovelling sand in the freezing cold rain against all odds; independent, strong, unbeatable. I knew that I would survive.
I did fall apart after that and I had such hard times ahead, but I knew I would survive because of that night. I sometimes wonder if my tears made that flood. Just in the madness of my mind, that is.
Nights like this remind me that we are not invincible. When faced with the might of the earth, we are infinitesimally small. We are but a microbe in a large expanse of matter. We are a speck that can blow away in a storm. It frightens me. I feel humbled and I find myself panicking, realising that my house is not permanent, it able to be shifted, dirtied, drowned, if the earth decides it is time. Those are the times when I feel alone. My kids rely on me to provide the comfort that a grown up is supposed to provide. And yet, I find myself wanting to be held. I find myself a little lost and wanting support.
I guess it will pass.
I wonder now why water makes me feel like that. Why water comes back to my life at times when I am feeling a little shaky and insecure. Is it to remind me that I am strong and can survive? Or is it just a bloody coincidence?
Well, I guess it is winter, and winter is when I feel worst anyway.
It is not yet winter, actually.

I have otherwise had a fairly unremarkable day. I managed to play my piece on the flute without a mistake, which is not a bad achievement, all things considered.
My daughters disappointed me, and the funny thing is that when that happens, I blame myself and wonder if they will one day be nice people and not hit each other; if they will retain the morals and ethics I have taught them.
I feel so alone in this mighty task. I wonder if my ex ever lies awake at night with these concerns in mind or if he goes through the world completely oblivious to the fact that he shares in the responsibility. I suspect the latter, and in fact, that does not make me feel any better.
I hope I can make it through this winter without a blueness overwhelming me. I wonder if that is what the mighty Neptune knocking at my front door wanted to say: you will be ok. Hang in there.