This has been a recurrent theme for humans for centuries, I am sure.
What is the meaning of life, why am I here, what is the purpose, blah blah blah.
No tiger or lion ever asked itself this. At least not that I know of.
Why? Because they are too busy living, earning their keep within the food chain and being tigers and lions. They are in a community that accepts and loves them, and they are content. At least they seem it. Their life consists of finding food, resting and procreating. And that is their life, that is their purpose.
I don’t think humans are any different. Our lives come down to the same basic needs and facts, if you reduce us to our most common denominator. We are not special. We hunger for food and sex, and kids. And if you don’t want kids, you can’t tell me that you do not seek meaning in the past, in archaeology or history or buildings and cultures. You seek meaning because that is what we are built for.
And it is therefore impossible to escape the feeling that our children are the be all and end all of our existence. Because they probably are. Our legacy of sorts.
Does it therefore follow that that pressure must fall on their shoulders? That they must succeed where we have failed or that they must achieve where we have not. Or that they must find happiness where we have not?
What happens if you have a child whose biggest wish is to cook for their husband, have dinner on time and serve them humbly and happily? Does that make that child a lesser being? Do we place expectations on our kids that are unrealistic? I don’t know. I try not to. And maybe through that process, they feel even more pressure.
I struggle to let go of the constant guilt and feeling of responsibility for their decisions or lack thereof.
At the end of the day, the only thing I can do is make my own decisions.
Easier said than done.
Having spent more than 20 years of my life living for others, and catering for other people’s needs, it makes it very difficult to actually decide what it is I want for the remainder of my days.
I think I just want peace. Peace within and r=without.
I want to be free of guilt. I want to be full of love and compassion and place hate where it belongs, and dissipates with its memories.
I want to feel like I have done my best at everything, and have left no stone unturned when it comes to self actualization and growth.
I want to feel humble, and realise that no one is perfect, and I can never be.
More than anything, I would like my water ripple to have an effect. To be a drop in a ocean where a drop falls and creates a tsunami in years to come. I want to be a drop that matters.
I want to battle my demons face to face, no weapons. Just them and me. And end my life at a place and time where I feel satisfied with my efforts. That is all. A bit of earthly satisfaction along the way, a bit of romance here and there, friendship and love, and furry animals that stink up my life. A bit of mathematical genius would have been nice, but that’s a bit late for me, I think. I’ll have to just satisfy myself with random fruit salad potty mouth.