Lucy

 

Living teaches you so much, and I think one of the things I am not happy to learn is the amount of loss that you get to experience in a lifetime. Some would say I’m only half way through my life journey, although I kinda hope I’m two thirds through, to be honest.

I can’t believe how many famous people have died. When I was younger, I thought life would stay the same. You really don’t think about how much everything changes and how many curve balls life throws at you.

I used to think that if you wished for things hard enough and worked for them, you’d get them. And now I know it’s not as simple as that. Maybe just in the stories I write.

Every loss reminds you of the previous one, and the one before that, and the pain is amplified each time. And then there is the anticipation of loss, and the anticipatory guilt that I will die before my kids.

Death doesn’t scare me, grief does.

Lucy is 20 this year, and I’m so scared to lose her. I value her company so much. I always joke that she is my longest relationship, and apart from my kids that is the truth. She is tucked under the quilt against my belly right now. And every now and again she purrs.

She was there when my kids went to high school, and when I had a secret affair with some bloke, and when I did online dating, and when we had Scruffy, and Blossom, and Princess Jess, the rats, when I had a couple of boyfriends…. She was there when I sold the house and when we moved here. She was there when the kids finished high school, when they went to stay with Andy half time. When I spent Christmas day alone. She was there when I cried and when I laughed. She was there when Tora was a kitten, and she brought in Baby, our blue tongue lizard. She was there when Malachi was alive, and she let him share her space. She was there through all of that, and as the years have passed, she’s grown more tolerant. She’s gone from being quite feisty when a new pet arrived to almost sighing in understanding of her dumb human. I can almost see her roll her eyes at me. She’s a bit like me I suppose, becoming more tolerant and resigned to whatever life throws at us, accommodating, strapping herself in for the journey. And this brave soul is enduring sore joints and worsening renal failure, she only has one and eye and no teeth. And she is still here, and she loudly demands I sit down or go back to bed when I get up in the morning. She follows me down the corridor when I say it’s time for bed, and grumbles at me if I say no. She ignores when I come back from being away and pretends she’s deaf if she’s behind the blind in the sun when I call her. Unless I use my “I need you” miaow, which she taught me.

Maybe I am a crazy cat lady, and maybe people will judge me by saying I will have a lonely old age without a man. Meh, whatever. I will have one of those if I can find one. But Lucy has been here when others weren’t. When my friends were busy, or when I needed time to cry. She has been here when I needed a friend, a companion. She’s still here. And the thought of losing her hurts me so much. Since Ted passed, I’ve had to think about that possibility. I know her time draws nearer and I really don’t want her to go.

I wish life didn’t pass so fast. I wish a lot of things that I can’t have and probably never will have. And accepting that I won’t is the hardest thing of all.

For example, I will never have the experience of bringing up kids with a partner. I will never have the experience of being married for 50 years.

 I may never have a partner who supports me through the hardest times. But I will have a  19 year old cat who has been my best friend for almost that long. Who has been there for the hard and the good times. Hopefully another few years. Hang in there, Lucy.

There are a lot of regrets now that I am older. Maybe not regrets. Given the information I had at the time, those decisions were the right ones. Maybe more  wishes. I wish trauma hadn’t had such a large influence on my decisions and the way I relate to people and the partners I have chosen for myself. I wish anxiety hadn’t driven me while the kids were little.

I wish I’d know I had adhd and had forgiven myself more often. I wish I’d been kinder to myself along each step of the way.

And while I know my life is not yet over, my hair is grey now. The lush long locks that I used to have and didn’t value then are gone. I wish I had valued what I had when I had it.

So…. I’m valuing what I have. I know I have been more grateful along the way than most. I have always enjoyed each stage of my kids’ lives. I’ve always tried to not have any regrets.

I hope that I will still have unexpected surprises in my future. I hope that I am proven wrong about certain stereotypes in people. I would love that.

I hope people realise that loving animals is no different from loving people. The depth is the same. The companionship is similar. Yes, they don’t converse, they don’t really understand the complexities of problems. But, they know when you’re hurting. It is no coincidence that at the hardest times, they forget their differences and they always spend that night all together on my bed. Dusty always licks my face when I cry. And the pain of loss is not diminished simply because they are animals. And no, they are not just a cat or a dog. That’s what people who have never lived with a cat or a dog say.

I wonder what Lucy would say if she could speak. I can imagine it. I think she’d say that she is happy, that you don’t need much to be happy…. A warm spot in the sun or a warm lap to sleep on. Kindness and bottomless understanding when you’re annoying. Someone to love you and tolerate you as much as you do them. Someone who cares where you are when you get home, someone who forgives you when you’re annoying or annoyed. Someone who notices when you’re sad, and quietly accepts it, and just sits quietly through that sadness.

Someone who accommodates your needs when they plan to travel, and cancel plans because you might not cope with them being away. Someone to rely on, someone you love so much, the thought of losing them makes you hurt like a bitch.

I have someone like that. And unfortunately for me, her life is shorter than mine. She's my girl. 

 

 

 

 

Reflections at 51

Lately I've been posting to vent and a lot of my posts are quite depressing, so I decided to post when I'm in a good mood and especially now that I've had a birthday and have advanced in wisdom, as happens as we age… (queue sarcastic laughter). 

The last few years have allowed me to grow as a person like you wouldn't believe. I have landed on my feet, so to say. 

It doesn't mean nothing bad happens, people and animals still die, I still have shit days when I feel exhausted and I'm yelled at by patients, or feel belittled by shitty colleagues, or encounter annoying registrars over the phone. I still have insecurity (so much insecurity), and still feel stupid after social events and ask myself if I made a fool of myself. All that stuff. 

But what has made the last few years different? I totally have all my therapy to thank. And if you can't afford therapy, then read thousands of psychology books and journal. I do that too in between sessions. 

But the gist of it is that I have learnt to be comfortable with what I've been given, the good, the bad and the in between. The hardship, the tough days and the bad shit that's happened in my life has shaped me into who I am today, and I have learnt to be grateful for it all. 

I think every time I come across an obstacle, I have to draw on reserve, on experience and then I have to transform the obstacle into something I can jump. That's all life is, I've decided. I haven't yet encountered one I can't jump, and I think the only one that will stop me is the one that kills me, which I have also made peace with. Or my kids suffering or being hurt which I don't even want to think about…. So kids, stay safe! 

It doesn't mean I'm a superhero, and the depressing nature of a lot of my posts is probably evidence of that, it's just that I mull over stuff and then I decide how to tackle it this time… 

I strive to be grateful for stuff. I have learnt that drawing on silver linings make the bad shit palatable, because you are reminded that the ups and downs of life have ups. The ups do come back, even if sometimes the only thing I can be grateful for is the large wings of a wedge tailed eagle flying overhead in Port Augusta, or a tiny lizard on the hot tarmac. Learn to see, learn to lean into the silver linings, and create them with exercise, if that's your thing, I'm one of the lucky ones who get the massive dopamine hit from aerobic exercise. 

Avoid cigarettes, alcohol and drugs as much as possible, as they tend to fuck up your efforts. (As much as they feel good at the time); longer term, they let you down. 

Avoid depressing people who would rather stay in a hole than help themselves, avoid gossip and talking behind others’ backs, avoid chasing money, avoid shopping for crap if you can (still trying to curb that habit!). 

And take risks, not the risk taking behaviour that leads to car accidents and bad sex, but those risks that you know would make life better. Take that holiday solo you've been dreading, go on the dance floor even when you feel silly, dye your hair pink if that's what you've been dying to do but are afraid people will judge you. Be who you actually want to be, take that step to being your genuine self, and strive every day to be closer to who you really are. Even if it's scary, even if you think you need to wait til you're thinner, or richer, or have a partner. Because by the time you turn around and wonder where life went, it will be too late, and you'll have regrets. Get that tattoo even though it will hurt, get that hair cut. Live as if life is yours. 

And when life feels as if it's shitting on you, lean on those people who you have collected along the way, those people are really important…I collect people I want to keep. My friends, my chosen family. Those people you can call at 2 am and know they won't be angry. Those people who don't always have the best advice, and may be just as broken, but have your back, and your best interests in mind. Those who are in your corner cheering even when you make a really dumb decision. 

And when everyone is busy, hug your dog or your cat. Those souls have been my saviours so many times. When there is no one else, they will be there, with those open arms that are loyal no matter what. 

And when everything else fails, turn to yourself and lean in to your strength. It really is in there… If you look hard enough. Play music out loud, make yourself go for a walk, do something different to whatever you have done before. Open a book at random and read the first line, make an appointment with your doctor…. Anything that means you are picking yourself up instead of crawling under a rock. 

And when all you can do is crawl under that rock, lean into that as well, stay there for a while. We all have days when we feel sorry for ourselves and that's OK too. As long as it ends and you find it within yourself to pick yourself up again. 

And whatever you do, don't pretend to be ok for long, pretending and masking your pain just makes you feel like it doesn't exist and ignore it and that doesn't lead anywhere good. 

Weaknesses are normal and everyone has them, they just pretend that they don't exist. 

I think to a certain extent I have created my luck. I know I have had a lot of luck in a lot of ways, but I have also tried to make my life better. I know not everyone has the luxury to do what I have done, and there are circumstances that make decisions to change things harder, and obstacles bigger. But I truly believe that we all have the power to advance towards happiness, and I have even heard of political prisoners in the depths of crap making a place in their mind for happiness. No one can take away your spirit. 

Life really is shit at times. We all have bad things happen, we all have difficulties. The majority of our issues are external, though. Inside, we all have the same stuff, we all have the same potential and are all equal. I choose to stay positive and have undying optimism that life will get better, even when shit rains on me. Like the credit card fraud that I have had today and my effin cancelled card. But it's all shit… It doesn't break me. 

Life is yours…live like you mean it.