Dear Time

Dear Time,

I have only known your new year for a very short while but I feel like I know you already, as you seem very similar to other years I have had before. However, since I am a good sport, I will pretend that I don’t know you and give you the benefit of the doubt.

I only ask that you take my wishes into account for this year.

You see, I think that I need a different sort of year. I mean, don’t think I’m being ungrateful. I am very grateful for a lot of things in my life, and these are just wishes. I don’t want anything taken away, I want it at all as it is, but I just wanted to make some helpful suggestions for the future, and hope that you will take them into account when planning my trajectory for 2016.

I am not sure what sort of groundhog day loop I’m stuck in, but it seems that toughness, resilience and strength are the only things I need on a day to day basis, and I continue to be tested on them. I’m starting to think that this, Time, is a bit of a waste of resources when it comes to the events department of your, should we call it, company. You see, I think I have proven time and again how tough and resilient I am. I think it is about time that you focus on some of the other things that I am.

I am not trying to tell you how to do things, as I am aware that you will do as you please. But I think you should know that I would like my love and caring, and nurturing to be more of a part of my life. Test me on that, I think I deserve that for a change.

Maybe you’d like to test how creative I can be, or how optimistic.

I already have a sore foot to Rehabilitate, and I don’t want that to be the main thing in my life this year. It’s already taken too much precious time and energy.

I’d like you to test me on my softer side. I do have one, you know. I am just squishy in the middle, and I think I am starting to forget it, and others can’t see it either because it lies forgotten in some far away dream. I ask that you allow it to shine. Maybe my future holds a lovely man who wants to share my softer side, and not just see the tough exterior that has been so necessary for such a long time. Let me have enough money to meet all my responsibilities, but also have a lot of time and energy for fun, for carefree irresponsibility. I so long to be just a little irresponsible sometimes. Not in big things, you know I would never do that, but in little things. Please.

Keep my beautiful girls safe, you know I would give a limb for them both, and I can’t help but think; despite my scientific brain; that this is in fact a price I am paying, this is me giving a limb for them. And if that’s the case, I would gladly give a second.  So all of the above is null and void if I am required to give a second limb for one of those precious creatures.

But if not, then please think upon it. I am looking forward to this new year. I hope it will continue to be full of friends and family and good memories. I promise I will do my part and seek out things that may expose my softer side, and I will step more carefully. (Metaphorically and not metaphorically).

I thank you in advance, and hope that we are together for a long while yet.

Sincerely,

Me

My right foot

21/10/15

Sometimes when I look at my life, I feel like I am reading about it in the paper, or in one of those sensationalised magazines: ‘My bridesmaid is having my fiancée’s love child’ or something.

Maybe not, but now that I am sort of on the outside looking in, it looks kinds Jerry Springerish.

A single mum to two teenagers, who works FTE (1.2), runs a household, looks after 4 animals. She is renovating her house; the stove breaks down, leaving the family without a kitchen. Then she falls over and breaks her foot, which requires surgery. As a result, she is unable to stay in her house because of her ridiculous driveway so she has to stay with her mother. On top of this, she was due to start a new job just prior to the injury, so she is under pressure to return to work asap, but can’t drive, because it happens to be her right foot.  And she is unable to return to one of her jobs due to the circumstances.

It just sounds like something someone made up for fooks sake…..

Nevertheless, this has been an interesting opportunity to review my life from the outside. After all, the universe simply granted my wish to have a holiday from my life. Given that I am so busy, I never really have the time to sit and contemplate whether what I am doing is sustainable, or whether there are other ways I could be doing it. Plus, I often find myself with few alternatives anyway.

The weirdest thing, and one of the most valuable lessons for me is the fact that I don’t think I will ever be lazy again about things that I need to do. For example, washing the dishes, doing the washing. It seems that the perceived effort when I was healthy seemed over the top. Everything takes so much longer now, given that an at least a 6 point turn is required in order to get around any corner in the house. Walking to the shops, or cooking a meal just doesn’t seem onerous at all. The other thing I have discovered is that I love driving, and being able to have the freedom to come and go as I please. And also, no matter how much free time I have, I don’t spend all of it doing crafts or reading, I do find myself looking at medical journals (which I never have time to do) and writing.

I haven’t been short of things to be grateful for, and that feels great. My friends and family have been so nurturing, and helpful, and altogether awesome, and I feel so very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

What seems clearest of all is that Wi-Fi is evil and will need to be restricted when we go home, and that my children need to do more around the house, not because I say so, or because it happens to be their dish, but because it is a lesson they better learn now, about living in a community and helping each other out. If I only ever did things for myself, I would still be in my backyard with a broken foot and no one to help me.

People are veritably strange, and I have greater compassion for people with a disability now. The number of people who are irritated by the fact that moving takes longer, or that I need a ramp or take up more room in a lift or on the bus is unbelievable. The number of people who roll their eyes at me, or tell me that I should be more careful or whatever is also astounding.  What do they think that I am ecstatic about it? Losing my independence, using a shower chair to wash, a toilet raiser to pee and take two buses to work, not to mention calling in favours all the time and being unable to pick my kids up from school?

Maybe my foot will heal and I will forget these lessons, but I doubt it.

Christmas will be a time to reflect on the 3 months prior to it, to be grateful, to regain all the losses, including a tall order of Rehab and further surgery to remove pins. I sincerely love my right foot despite all the challenges.