Sorry

 

As I fumble my way through life, finding meaning in the dawn. I am guilty as the sunrises and I am guilty as it sets. For I am a fledgling in the tides of life.

No course, no destination, Just an assumption of being.
This life is fickle and dubious and dim. It is set for its own devices and I no longer have any control. I never have. Only the illusion.

I am mother. That is what I am. That I what has saved me.

And now I am not. For the dusk has arrived and the light is leaving, and it is no longer fruitful, it is no longer ripe.

I seek refuge in the darkness of my guilt. I am so sorry.

I was trying to defend you. I was trying to survive.

I bleed into the centuries like a gaping wound, and I cannot control the haemorrhage.

I didn’t make that wound, but I walked around unaware of its presence.

I poked it and prodded it and made it bleed even more,

Because I thought it was safe, healed, done.

And yet I am never done.

I am forever doomed to repeat, and renew, and pardon and beg.

I am forever wondering and just managing, and waiting.

And rescuing this soul that doesn’t heal, and it is in stasis and congealed.

I fix hoses, and stitch wounds, I manage castles that are broken and bent.

To provide meaning and distance and tracks that lead me to somewhere where I will forever belong.

I cannot stop this train , this horse, this massive machine of momentum.

I am powerless and small. And just me.

And that is all I will ever be.

I will never know if it is enough, or right, or just, or fair, or forever.

I only know that I am true, I am alive, I am humble and beginning at the end.

I am grey and misty and young and free. And I belong to life long habits that may never satisfy anyone other than her. That silky smooth flower with pigtails and blue gold.

For she is mine and I am hers. That is all that is true. My love endures and never ever shall I forgive the darkness for destroying my peace. And more than ever, theirs. My ones. My onlies.

They are my forever. Without them, the despair swallows me whole. Without them I am nothing and never would be.

All this.

All this.

And no more. And yet so much more.

Forgive me, for I did not know.

Forgive me, allow me to destroy all that is wrong, allow me to learn, and take all that hurt.

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I didn’t know.

And the more I tried, the more I broke.

I am so sorry.