Hurricane, oasis, desert and flood

 There have been times in my life when the universe decides that it will pick up the base I am sitting on and literally throw everything into disarray. Completely rearrange every piece where it will fall. Completely reset everything and shake up the foundations of everything I have ever built.

And everytime this has happened it has led to a change for the better, a transformation that has led to growth of my soul and taken me closer to nirvana, or where I am supposed to be, or divinity, or whatever you call it in your world.

It never comes without tears, or pain, or change. But it always seems to make sense in the end, even if it takes a while for the storm to clear and for me to be able to see what is left afterwards. 

I am forever confused by changes, and there have been so many. Moving schools 15 times in 12 years, being the new kid at school 3 times in 3 different countries, learning 2 new languages, transplanting to a new culture, adjusting to divorce, sole parenting, a 6 year degree. A child with autism and ADD, a transgender child, homosexuality, mental health struggles, and just simply teenagers who want to hate you and love you at the same time.

And not to mention throw in a bit of trauma to spice it all up and just make it that little bit trickier and interesting. And don't think that you'd have time to settle those debts. Oh no! Throw in cancer deaths and unanswered questions to the mix....

Life is not simple. It never has been, and to be honest, that is the only consistent lesson I have learnt so far. It doesn't matter how seasoned you feel, you are always a newborn in the face of your next challenge. 

And life is painful, and emotions simply toss you about and storms and seasons of the world pick you up as if you weigh mere grams.

And it's hard, and you lie to yourself, and you discover truths buried by shame, and laughter, and uncertainty.  You sabotage your journey, you find yourself at a crossroad you left yourself at years ago, only to retrace your steps and take the same road over and over again.

Until you get a small glimpse of where you're meant to be. 

Before you know it, the focus shifts and the world has turned on its axis and confused you all over again.

No certainties. No rules. No absolutes. Only you. 

No true calling, no true destiny, only the one formed by your steps. The only solid form, where you tread. And you go back and find yourself again, and hold you, for you are the only one who will ever understand how much you are worth. You are the only one who will ever love you most. For you are not like some who were born into the world of abundant love and understanding.  You have to work for yours, for you owe a debt you will be forever paying.

And you take that treasure and make something with it so you can shine as bright as the shiniest star. Even though you will never be gold. Because you don't want to be. And maybe you shouldn't be, or don't deserve to be, or were transformed long ago.

To be part of the stars and belong to the earth's crust is sublime.

For from dust you will come and to dust we return. Nothing more, nothing less.

The storm is in full onslaught of my being. I'm trying to ride the waves with grace. Unbalanced but observing in silence and trying to watch it all pass by. For I know from experience that it will. And I will reach the other side of the ocean with new gifts and incense to burn.

But I know what it feels like now. I know what to expect.  I don't expect to understand it, but at least I'm accompanied by myself, the one who has been here before. My companion. My loyal follower. My critic and witness, my lover and mother. My goddess and artful dancer. Embrace me, hold my throat and squeeze, close to your breast.

Everything will not be alright. But at least I know it now. At least I know I can weather it. I know I can live. 

Prematurity

 To be torn from a womb prematurely,

To be left to learn to breathe before my lungs even expand.

To be awakened long before anyone's alarm goes off.

To be awake like a ghost in the dark and feel alone in the gloom of awareness.

To learn to read before your peers.

The alphabet seems trivial compared with calculus and essays in year 1.

To be the first and yet the last.

To travel empty roads....kilometres and kilometres of empty roads,

For they are the ones less travelled.

To be fulfilled by lessons learned by centuries,

To be abandoned by reason 

And lose myself in delicious blissful madness.

To wash in waters dirtied by boredom.

To lose the plug and float mid-air instead. 

To yearn for freedom most only dream of at the end of the journey,

To realise how to live ahead 

And yet survive, thrive even.

To risk the rewards, to be afraid and do it anyway.

To understand the book before you read it,

To live ahead....and yet always be behind.

To realise the meaning 

To understand animal souls 

To channel music in silence,

To expand horizons with a smile.

To suffer the consequences of love lost before you walk,

To understand how to live regardless.

And to return the loans,

The loans they did not mean. 

The smiles that did not reach the eyes, 

The souls that are shallower than an eye in the desert.

Heed the warning in your heart,

And still try.

Because the meaning must be somewhere,

Promised by the wind.

There must be a sense to it,

Even if it's 42.

Simplistic answers for simple minds.

Basic tenets for basic beings.

And yet more.

More.

Always more.

Growing in the broth of this poor diet.

Despite the lean helping.

For the strength seems to emanate from those who were torn out of that soup early.

For the chick that cracks the egg a day early,

The bird who falls from the nest and has to learn to fly from the ground.

This is where I come from and this is where I will remain.

For I cannot devolve.

I cannot be ordinarily assembled, 

Although I'd like to be.

For ease of consumption, it would be preferable.

But to stand at the gate

And say I have lived,

And learned, and loved, and yearned, and cried in despair.

That is not a bad life.

That is how I will make my dragon's hoard.