Friday, 20 March 2020

Nowhere to run

It is Friday the 20th of march. Two weeks ago, I was planning a weekend away with my son to see a band and to have an elective procedure this coming week.
And today, the world seems a surreal mix of a fantasy novel and reality.
Like a slice out of a book or a story someone is telling. When I open my eyes in the morning, I feel slightly disoriented for a few seconds and then I remember.
I think the worst thing right now is not knowing what is going to happen next. Just how bad it will be, or whether we will just get used to it, like we do everything else. Sometimes I think that we could run away, but there is literally nowhere to run and we are all in it together.

Did you hear that?

WE ARE ALL IN IT TOGETHER.

This is something I have been talking about for a long time. I have a huge social conscience. I believe in fairness and compassion and helping others, even if it is the last slice of bread left, karma might look after you. And even if it doesn't, then maybe you will perish knowing you have done the right thing.

I am seeing the ugly side of humanity that I dread, avoid.
Ugly fighting at the supermarket, ugly ripping things from under others before they can get it. Survival of the fittest.

We are all just animals.

What people constantly insist they  are not.

What some of us try to resist. And maybe it will mean that people like me will die first. Refusing to stockpile, refusing not to help others, do my part in this war. I find that quite shameful that some people think that that is ok.

When this is all over, will the selfish have survived?

Will a new world be rebuilt by those who hoarded and were selfish? Will a new world just be made up of the young and fit; and the frail, sick, elderly and disabled will have died?

Sad.
Horrible.
Inhumane.

I hope I am wrong about humans. The sadness I feel at the moment is not the sadness of what might happen to me, but the sadness of what might happen to the world. I hope that this pandemic will not confirm my fears about humans.

So I ask you today- do your bit for a fellow human. Share your stockpile, help your neighbour, feed a stray cat, donate some of your stuff to the local nursing home. Visit an elderly person when you are immune and give them a hug.
People like me who are single and often alone are feeling the loneliness more than ever. Think of others before yourselves. Please. I am a doctor and I fear what I will be doing in the months to come and what our health system will look like. What decisions I will be making. And guess what? None of those decisions will be based on what is best for  me or mine. It will be based on what is best for ALL OF US. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. YOUNG, OLD, BLACK, WHITE, SMALL, BIG, RICH, POOR.... the whole world will feel it. How do you want to feel when it is all over?




Monday, 9 March 2020

Lucky 13

I went back to my ex a year after we broke up. This was after I did some pretty huge psychology work. I felt that my part of the errors made needed mending. I needed to give it another chance just so I could actually look back with the knowledge that I had done everything I could in the relationship. After a great 6 weeks or so, the same cracks started to show. Him working 6 days a week, breaking promises to see me, canceling at the last minute, never revealing where he lived, never meeting any of his friends, never going on a date but just coming to my house for sex.
I recognized the pattern, I spoke to him about it and communicated my needs, clearly. I expressed my developing feelings for him, and my desire to move the relationship to the next level. He went silent. He got angry at me. He ghosted me. So I did what I needed to do in order to keep my dignity intact. I demanded a proper date, with a meal, sharing time together that did not include sex, and asked for his address. It felt to me that this would actually show his commitment to the relationship. I emphasized that if he could not do this, I needed to walk away. I then added that I would not contact him until he came back to me with an answer.
Two days after this, he came back to me with texts, photographs of his birds and casual banter.
Realizing he was giving me crumbs to reel me back in, I asked him straight out if he had an answer for me. That I could not be his "buddy". To let me go, and let me go with the decency that I deserved, with a proper breakup.
It took him a while, but he did. He apologized for his short comings and admitted that he was incapable of a relationship with anyone.
I'm hurting, because I allowed this, I have allowed people to treat me like this.
The difference is, I'm walking away with pride and self love for the very first time in my life. I loved the times when he was present. I hated the times he was not.
I now know that I have done everything I possibly could and he will not change.
As I move forward to the rest of my life, I know. I know for the first time in my life, that I love ME, that I deserve that love and I have closed the door for good on abuse.
No more.
I hope that maybe this will also be a wake up call for him. I wish him all the best. I don't hate him, maybe I will tomorrow for being capable of deception, unconscious as it was.
But the one time I sobbed with joy yesterday was when I realized that as I typed the words in my text, I really, really meant them: " I cannot do this anymore. I love you, but I think I love me more"

Mummy guilt

They say that guilt is a useless emotion. It is basically the feeling of having done something we should not have done, or omitted to do som...