uncertainty and constancy

3/7/10
Last Monday, my ex texted me to say that he needed me to pick up the kids from his house after work as he had kept them home from school. A little puzzled, I agreed.
He came out to meet me and shocked me by revealing that he is separating from his girlfriend. They have lived together for about 3 years and been together for about 4.5 years. The kids were really upset, as this was the status quo for them and they loved her.
She left on the Sunday night. She left him.
I was quite shocked, as of course, he doesn’t share anything at all with me.
It sent my mind on a huge journey.
He looked so crushed. I have imagined this moment in the past, what I would say, the joy I would feel for confirmation to him that I wasn’t the only person in the relationship we had, that it wasn’t all my fault and that he has some responsibility when it comes to relationships. And here it was, and far from feeling joy and triumph at his misery, I felt sorry for him.
I could see how hard it had been for him to even tell me what had been going on, I guess it is an admission to a certain extent that he made a mistake.
He even invited me into the house. I don’t think he has ever invited me into his house. I didn’t know where to look as he looked as if he was about to cry.
It has happened at a time in my life when I am thriving and happy and extremely happy with my lot. It seems so ironic that this would have been something I would have welcomed 4 years ago. I would have ran into his arms and told him I would take him back.
And now, if he actually came and asked me to take him back, I would have no hesitation in saying an absolute resounding and definite no.
He even apologised for the silence from his part for the last 6 months: ignoring every text and every message I have left him, every note I have written regarding the kids. It is almost as if I have been completely invisible. He told me he had had trouble “fitting everything in”. God, he has no idea about juggling.
All I can hope for him is that he will grow this time, as I have. I know, the odds are low, but there is a small chance that he will learn.
In the meantime, I will worry about what this means for the kids. They will need to move again, watch another relationship disintegrate and be thrown about by whatever uncertainty he might create for them in the future. Well, what’s new.
I will remain a mountain of strength for them, unchanged and unwavering; reliable.
I hope that is what they see in the future when they look back at their childhood: not a pile of broken promises and relationships, but a constant mother