Waves crushing and turning and changing and evolving and it is all OK

Life is just a collection of ups and downs. Sometimes the ups are numerous and then I have found, there is often a wave of downs that require the strength of a leviathan to endure.

I am not sure, but I think I have ridden these summersaulting waves on and off for years. I am not sure if everyone goes through this, but I am often in awe of the unfair amount of disruption I have had to endure.

I am not sure that there is any sort of reward for this effort. I dont think there is a rhyme or reason for it. It just is.

And then we get old and pass the baton to the younger generation to do the same again. And it is all quite irrelevant. 

I don't say that with any remnant of sadness, it is just a fact.

Which is why I am culling memory boxes full of shit that no one will give a fuck about when I am dead. It is all stuff…. Nothing more and nothing less.

I will just live while I am alive and then die when it is my turn.

Would I like to share this mortal coil? Of course! Life has been pretty lovely but lonely at times. I dream of a companion who will make everything OK. But that is not going to happen, so I better get used to just watching the world happen as I watch.

I get pretty tired. And I am sure some of it is of my own making, as I set myself huge tasks to fulfill. But if I didn't, I'd be afraid that I would not leave any mark. At least this way I may be remembered when I am long gone. 

Maybe. Or maybe not.

There are lots of us people who do not conform to the norm. Weirdoes who aren't in a marriage, or have conventional 9 to 5 jobs. And that is ok. I wish there was a community of us, somewhere to belong. The world has become so divided and so quiet. There is so much instantaneous communication, and yet none when you stop and listen.

I crave connection, and always will. That is my wish for the human race. Communicate and connect with others, or we will get lost. We will fall asleep in the vast forever and be no more. 

Waves recede, waves crash, waves go quiet and are barely noticeable. The ocean is just like life. And maybe we are just biological processes that are echoed everywhere. And we are just aware. Maybe it's our reward. Or our punishment. I am not sure which.

Life cycles and weaves and changes and turns. And I am glad it does. But I can also be sad that it does. Both feelings are valid and true and so present.

I am so happy, and at times so sad, for exactly the same reasons. I wish I was not quite this self aware and that I could just coast along unconsciously. Not sure why I have been dealt this card. But I have, and so here we are. Onwards we go.

Next chapter? Do your worst. And your best. You are both welcome and I am ready.