Deseo al rio Laraquete

 If I could choose the words to call you, you’d be mine in an instant.

Tangible and permanent.

But you are an elusive ally who I glimpse in the night time and you share my loneliest moments.

You are an absent ray of light, and an anonymous burden who will avoid my everlasting.

You are a promise that was made by a waterfall in the south of Chile on a 4th of February. Cool and rushing in that water, crosses haunt you and provide.

You are mine, like the goblin king of old.

If I could touch you and hold you,

And our souls collided unbidden,

If our minds endured through the burdens of pain.

Then you’d be mine.

And life would exist in unison for us both.

Life would cease to be a lonely race that leads into the abyss.

I am prepared to do it alone. I can.

But I don’t want to. I want you beside me, pain and all, tears and all, strength and vomit. Foot and mind, tooth and song.

For this life was made to grow and learn.

This life is joy and pain.

This life is my teacher and those people I have made are my fruit.

Let this life be my last lesson and a promise of greatness.

I feel like the end of the race is near.

I know that pain is a reminder of metal and fury.

It is a test of magnitude and fear.

When life is good I think I don’t need you, and when life is bad I beg for you.

But now I want you beside me, pain and rain, and rainbows, showers, storms, fallen trees and celebration. Fruit and toil, laughter and fun. Just be beside me and together we can conquer it all. Together you and I ascend. All or nothing as we descend.

For vulnerability is a gift few possess and can allow.

Pain is an arrow that allows regret and love.

This is what has shown me what is light.

Once he said that dark is not necessary for the light.

But the light is only brighter when you have been in the dark.

Be my song and my feather. My fur and my friend.

You are the key to my always.

Let it be done at last.

Another lifetime without you is possible.

I will do it.

I can do it.

I know I can.

But a moment beside you, a bridge in the fury,

A tear in midair.

I won’t allow this unless it is right and fair .

Forever in a breath, truth in a swift strike.

Can you hear my heart thumping out of pure impatient portent?

I am born of a cloud and dissolve in a lake.

I am earth and air, and you are fire and water.

We consume each other and annul our despair.

Be mine forever or none at all.

Jane I shall stay.

I have no fear.

Rescue comes from within.

Rescue you.

When you are done, find me

 I will wait.

Fifty

 In a couple of hours, it will be 50 years since I entered this world. I’ve never asked my mum whether I kicked and screamed, or philosophically pondered my destiny.

If anyone had told me then what I would need to live through, I might have pulled the plug. 

But here I am, alive, well, happy, fulfilled. 

A little broken, but glued together over and over again. Grateful and absolutely convinced that this life is for growth and advancement.  And I have absolutely no regrets.

The hurdles and the blocks that have been put in my way are simply ways to get me to jump, to spring me into action, to prompt me to use my imagination and creativity to create palpable change. 

I am loved, I love plentifully and I have hope,  ongoing dreams, and life to live everyday. 

I am a lucky woman. I have boundless energy for play and learning, and nurturing. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister and a mum. I am so happy. 

I am grateful for my body, my scars, my flabby belly that has resulted from birthing the humans I will leave behind when my time is done. I love my funny brain that keeps me entertained when I’m meant to be asleep. I love my legs that take me places, and my arms that hug tight. I love my skin that was battered by south american ozoneless sun. I love my mind, and even my guts. 

I am proud to say that even if I died tomorrow, I would choose to die having made all the same mistakes I have made. I would not change anything to make it easier, or calmer or less stressful.

For I am who I am without cheating or manipulating, without taking the easiest roads.

Even in my darkest hours, I have vowed to keep to my principles and have kept to my codes. And that is all that I am. 

And I look forward to further growth. I am so glad I didn’t cause my end, for I would have missed out on all of this. I thank all of my loved ones, human and fur, feather and wood.

 I am alive, what a way to be! I am the softest clay, and the hardest metal. 

I wish myself loads of love, imagination and creativity, time, and wisdom. I wish myself love and happiness, and the responsibility to make it happen and the strength to pass it on. I wish myself the best life, for it is always worth it. 

I promise to respect me to earn others' respect. I will care for myself the way I care for others, and compassionately parent myself to the best of my ability. 

I will not die til I am truly done. I will not be defeated by difficulty and I will always be true to myself. 

May the next 50 be fruitful, painful, alive, exciting and always worth it.