My house

 My story when I was a kid was just like those pictures I drew. A house on a hill, a horse in the paddock, 3 children, a chimney and a hay bale by the door. Birds in the sky and a single tree overlying the house.

Life is so much more complex, and I wish we were born with knowledge to tackle it and insight to mature and ferment as we grow older.

The twists and turns of life are like a tumble dryer of emotions. Hot and intense, disorienting. I watch others go through similar experiences, and realise how lonely I have been through some of it, how well supported in others. It has been a really worthwhile journey so far. So hard, and yet I still have so much more to learn.

Mainly about relationships. The one thing I think I am getting better at as I navigate my own emotional roller-coaster and learn to understand how I land myself into hot oil everytime I jump from a frying pan.

Let me get off my metaphors for one minute and get real.

Failing at relationships is success.

I know that sounds silly, but hear me out.

A very long time ago, I fell in love with a soul who was also in turmoil. They told me that a relationship ended because it was successful.

I always go back to that thought when I think about relationships. Relationships serve their purpose and then end. Some friendships last a lifetime because they have a role to play throughout our lifetime. Like the relationships we have with family. 

Romantic relationships have always been so much more complex for me. For someone to stare directly into an abyss I hadn't even delved into was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. So I hid my abyss and covered it up. With leaves and sticks that were invisible to my partner. But I kept falling into the abyss and not even realising where the holes were. Over and over again. And then covering the gap, only to fall right in as soon as I had surfaced. And all the while not letting anyone see what I was doing. All is well here, folks. I am a capable grown up, honestly.

The truth of the matter is that my internal world is very fragile. Getting stronger with time, as I learn about what is in the abyss and why the holes keep surfacing. Instead of waiting to fall in, I've cleared all the leaf litter and stared at all the holes. Explored every one of them, cleaned it out, and cemented it for good. Cracks remain that I have to patch up as I go.

As I learnt about me I learnt valuable lessons about relationships. My friendships and relationships with colleagues, my children and my family have grown in leaps and bounds. I have learned about healthy boundaries and protecting my emotional world. Caring for me never entered the equation in my past relationships. I thought I cared, but I didn't give a shit about me at all if it meant keeping my partner happy.

I have learned to care with compassion, care with sacrifice when appropriate, invest in those who are worth investing in, and forget those who are not healthy themselves to protect my newly raked internal world. 

I have learned to love wounded souls through my animals and how to heal through them. They are such great teachers when it comes to healing trauma and loving yourself through the process. How to love and care genuinely for a fragile helpless soul. The child I carry within who is now cradled in my arms as I walk forward.

My children are priceless angels who were sent to heal me through love and hard lessons. The most worthwhile lessons I have ever learnt. And keep learning. I hope I have taught them a bit in return. At least how to love, as I adore them with all my being. I carry them with me, and learn every day to let go of these strings as they make their own way and continue to lead their own journey.

I  am looking forward to the next step.

I have met someone really special. And while I have no illusions at all about what may or may not happen in my future, for I am a wise old woman who knows life hardly ever goes to plan, it gives me hope that I may find a friend in the future who could be a lover and companion. Someone to journey with. In a different way from my past. Without the intense burning that I have been addicted to, but with genuine mutual respect and admiration, love and care for wounds, and a keen interest in learning through their life lessons. 

I guess this is me telling the universe that I am ready just to peek in that last hole in the abyss that I have been avoiding. 

Yep, I am being real and honest. Avoiding a romantic relationship is a big one for me. I don't want to be hurt or used again. I don't want to be everything and nothing to someone else. I will be a friend and a genuine companion, but only to those who are worthy of me and allow me to feel that. I have no time for anyone who is out there to hurt me, or use me and discard me. I would love to have a partner who is one of my best friends. Like the people I carefully selected and kept over the years. Probably reading this, I would guess. 

I am staring at the abyss now and I am scared shitless. But for the first time in a long time I have hope that maybe I will find that special someone. I know that I am okay without them, but also finally aware that I would probably welcome them. Big steps.

My childhood picture now looks pretty funny. A misshapen house with added rooms, 11 pets scattered throughout, 2 kids, no horse, but a lizard. No hay against the house, but in the house leaning against the bunny cage. No windy driveway that leads away surrounded by flowers, but a steep shitty driveway with dead weeds around it. And so clunky and messy. So higgledy-piggledy. And I really love it.