Cardiac Arrest

 I lost a patient tonight.

He came in and within five minutes, he had had a cardiac arrest. The nurses called me in to help and we started CPR. I was soon advised that he had documentation to the effect that he was not to be resuscitated if he had a cardiac arrest and I was shown the signed paperwork.

Stripped of my familiar protocols for life saving, I was left with needing to stand back and allow him to pass. I know he was old. I know he was probably not in good health and had considered his options carefully and made his decision. He was ready.

I wasn't.

Because stripped of my ABC protocol, I had to just be human.

That's hard, I gripped his arm, and said 'oh, sweetie' under my breath lots of times as his life slipped away and his lips turned purple.

I looked at him, and he was someone's dad, someone's husband. I don't really have any religious beliefs, but I was reminded of people who have had near death experiences and what they describe when they survive, and I imagined his spirit leaving his body and watching us take his last few breaths.

I told him to rest in peace, and felt pretty useless.

It is hard to stand back and watch, respect his wishes. I know he may not have survived anyway, but it's hard regardless. We witnessed an end, we were there to send him off to wherever he was going to next.

Trained to heal, trained to help. It didn't feel like it, even though we helped, I guess. I just wanted to share that. Some days in medicine just suck.