Thursday, 14 March 2019

2 am

My daughter is out on the town with friends for the very first time. She's a bit of a late bloomer, as she will be 20 in 3 months. She is a very sensible young woman. However, I remember being that age, and I remember making stupid decisions that I thought were sensible at the time!

I went to bed, and slept for two hours, went back to sleep and awoke at 1 am. Not home yet. Part of me was celebrating: oh my beautiful girl is growing up and out having fun! Then my mum brain kicked in. I sent a text to ask if she was still ok. There was no answer.

I was proud of myself after that, as instead of ringing every Adelaide Emergency department or the friend she is out with, I simply told myself that she was having fun!!!!
'Stop worrying!'

But of course didn't go back to sleep until her cheery text came in just a few minutes ago.

'She's fine. She's having fun. She's ok.'
I used to think that my parents wanted to control my every move by demanding to know where I was.

I guess I know better now. It's the gut clenching worry of her sensibleness wearing thin under a veil of beer, or some asshole making a stupid decision around her. Maybe one day I'll be able to just go to sleep and trust that all will be well. I guess tonight is not that day.

As I wrote that last sentence, an image flashed in my mind. An image of a tiny baby girl lying on my bed. It was day 3, I had just brought her home and I remember thinking that nothing was ever going to be the same again. The fear overwhelmed my 24 year old self. Self doubt and panic engulfed me, and I cried. Day 3 blues, they call it. I think it was just the realisation that I was a mother. My life was no longer just mine, it was shared. My love would be divided and I feared that I wouldn't be able to do what the job demanded. I think I'm still that overwhelmed 24 year old. Every day.

I better get a couple of hours sleep. I'll pretend to be asleep when she gets home. So she understands that I do trust her. It's what good mothers do.

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