Fair accummulation of debris

 

If I falter, if I fall.

If I should propofol my life.

Then be silent. For you are not the owner of this real estate.

The magic continues and dances in the dark behind midnight.

For the curtain is not drawn.

And the pain is finite.

There is clay in the recovery.

There is madness in the fold of the wings that will elevate this flight. For I shall never forget that the rescuer is me.

There is no solitary seagull that plagues my nightmares. There is only a reason. A season.

I am a soother. I am a rescuer. I am a fool.

For I am still a witness to that horror. I am still bound to old doctrines and rules.

Forever searching and never finding. For the wrong canal shall deliver rape.

I am not broken. I am damaged. And not beyond repair. I will just spend my whole life on this project.

And never find what I really want.

For my destiny is predetermined and passed down by generational trauma.

My purpose unfulfilled.

My happiness dependent on a covenant.

For this is a test. A test I hope to pass, but not before my heart is torn to pieces and I learn how to be in pain.

And yet still thrive. Fuck the pain.

For I am stronger than that pain. For I am stronger than even I suspect. For I have more love where all that came from.

Well maybe I will learn to bestow it on the worthy.

Maybe I will learn that flames burn.

Maybe I will learn that hurting me is the worst kind of pain.

I am no longer expendable.

I am no longer ok to be used.

I am no longer the one who should carry the shame.

For this is the way the dice fall.

For this is the way life ends.

I am a beacon of light.

I am a goddess of earth and light.

For I sublimate into the horizon

And submit to the demands.

I am free to soar.

I am free to dream.

I am free to cry and I am free to dream.

For I have been bitten in half and I have spent my life finding the demigod.

There is no divinity in despair.

There is no divinity in suicide.

There is no divinity in pain.

There is truth in purpose.

There is growth in the evidence.

There is strength in the pain.

For I shall not acquiesce to the bait that dangles,

And the control that’s spent.

For my love is pure and innocent,

For my love is deep as red clay.

I shall return to the earth. I shall become one with the dawn.

There is no pride in winning, for the sun will come up again.

And the hunger will continue,

For the journey is not done.

Let there be tomorrow, let There be a sunrise.

Because I am not even close to finished.

Even close to gone.

I will continue thriving until the light has but gone out.

For I am not done. I am not even begun.

My life has been in darkness,

But I am living in the light.

Every step I’m closer.

Soft and purposeful,

Magicians of the universe,

And teachers of my life.

May love take me places I know I may never belong.

For it will never be in vain and will I never be in vain.

For love can build bridges and bridges can build kingdoms, even if they rot and burn.

I am here.

I am true.

I am sentient.

I am frail

I am vulnerable.

I am steel.

I am waiting.

I am living.

I am beyond.

I am not in sync and tuning. I am above the life-less survival

I am truly just some arrows

As they motioned for the pedal 

And the reason to be right.

Hurricane, oasis, desert and flood

 There have been times in my life when the universe decides that it will pick up the base I am sitting on and literally throw everything into disarray. Completely rearrange every piece where it will fall. Completely reset everything and shake up the foundations of everything I have ever built.

And everytime this has happened it has led to a change for the better, a transformation that has led to growth of my soul and taken me closer to nirvana, or where I am supposed to be, or divinity, or whatever you call it in your world.

It never comes without tears, or pain, or change. But it always seems to make sense in the end, even if it takes a while for the storm to clear and for me to be able to see what is left afterwards. 

I am forever confused by changes, and there have been so many. Moving schools 15 times in 12 years, being the new kid at school 3 times in 3 different countries, learning 2 new languages, transplanting to a new culture, adjusting to divorce, sole parenting, a 6 year degree. A child with autism and ADD, a transgender child, homosexuality, mental health struggles, and just simply teenagers who want to hate you and love you at the same time.

And not to mention throw in a bit of trauma to spice it all up and just make it that little bit trickier and interesting. And don't think that you'd have time to settle those debts. Oh no! Throw in cancer deaths and unanswered questions to the mix....

Life is not simple. It never has been, and to be honest, that is the only consistent lesson I have learnt so far. It doesn't matter how seasoned you feel, you are always a newborn in the face of your next challenge. 

And life is painful, and emotions simply toss you about and storms and seasons of the world pick you up as if you weigh mere grams.

And it's hard, and you lie to yourself, and you discover truths buried by shame, and laughter, and uncertainty.  You sabotage your journey, you find yourself at a crossroad you left yourself at years ago, only to retrace your steps and take the same road over and over again.

Until you get a small glimpse of where you're meant to be. 

Before you know it, the focus shifts and the world has turned on its axis and confused you all over again.

No certainties. No rules. No absolutes. Only you. 

No true calling, no true destiny, only the one formed by your steps. The only solid form, where you tread. And you go back and find yourself again, and hold you, for you are the only one who will ever understand how much you are worth. You are the only one who will ever love you most. For you are not like some who were born into the world of abundant love and understanding.  You have to work for yours, for you owe a debt you will be forever paying.

And you take that treasure and make something with it so you can shine as bright as the shiniest star. Even though you will never be gold. Because you don't want to be. And maybe you shouldn't be, or don't deserve to be, or were transformed long ago.

To be part of the stars and belong to the earth's crust is sublime.

For from dust you will come and to dust we return. Nothing more, nothing less.

The storm is in full onslaught of my being. I'm trying to ride the waves with grace. Unbalanced but observing in silence and trying to watch it all pass by. For I know from experience that it will. And I will reach the other side of the ocean with new gifts and incense to burn.

But I know what it feels like now. I know what to expect.  I don't expect to understand it, but at least I'm accompanied by myself, the one who has been here before. My companion. My loyal follower. My critic and witness, my lover and mother. My goddess and artful dancer. Embrace me, hold my throat and squeeze, close to your breast.

Everything will not be alright. But at least I know it now. At least I know I can weather it. I know I can live.