Lately I've been posting to vent and a lot of my posts are quite depressing, so I decided to post when I'm in a good mood and especially now that I've had a birthday and have advanced in wisdom, as happens as we age… (queue sarcastic laughter).
The last few years have allowed me to grow as a person like you wouldn't believe. I have landed on my feet, so to say.
It doesn't mean nothing bad happens, people and animals still die, I still have shit days when I feel exhausted and I'm yelled at by patients, or feel belittled by shitty colleagues, or encounter annoying registrars over the phone. I still have insecurity (so much insecurity), and still feel stupid after social events and ask myself if I made a fool of myself. All that stuff.
But what has made the last few years different? I totally have all my therapy to thank. And if you can't afford therapy, then read thousands of psychology books and journal. I do that too in between sessions.
But the gist of it is that I have learnt to be comfortable with what I've been given, the good, the bad and the in between. The hardship, the tough days and the bad shit that's happened in my life has shaped me into who I am today, and I have learnt to be grateful for it all.
I think every time I come across an obstacle, I have to draw on reserve, on experience and then I have to transform the obstacle into something I can jump. That's all life is, I've decided. I haven't yet encountered one I can't jump, and I think the only one that will stop me is the one that kills me, which I have also made peace with. Or my kids suffering or being hurt which I don't even want to think about…. So kids, stay safe!
It doesn't mean I'm a superhero, and the depressing nature of a lot of my posts is probably evidence of that, it's just that I mull over stuff and then I decide how to tackle it this time…
I strive to be grateful for stuff. I have learnt that drawing on silver linings make the bad shit palatable, because you are reminded that the ups and downs of life have ups. The ups do come back, even if sometimes the only thing I can be grateful for is the large wings of a wedge tailed eagle flying overhead in Port Augusta, or a tiny lizard on the hot tarmac. Learn to see, learn to lean into the silver linings, and create them with exercise, if that's your thing, I'm one of the lucky ones who get the massive dopamine hit from aerobic exercise.
Avoid cigarettes, alcohol and drugs as much as possible, as they tend to fuck up your efforts. (As much as they feel good at the time); longer term, they let you down.
Avoid depressing people who would rather stay in a hole than help themselves, avoid gossip and talking behind others’ backs, avoid chasing money, avoid shopping for crap if you can (still trying to curb that habit!).
And take risks, not the risk taking behaviour that leads to car accidents and bad sex, but those risks that you know would make life better. Take that holiday solo you've been dreading, go on the dance floor even when you feel silly, dye your hair pink if that's what you've been dying to do but are afraid people will judge you. Be who you actually want to be, take that step to being your genuine self, and strive every day to be closer to who you really are. Even if it's scary, even if you think you need to wait til you're thinner, or richer, or have a partner. Because by the time you turn around and wonder where life went, it will be too late, and you'll have regrets. Get that tattoo even though it will hurt, get that hair cut. Live as if life is yours.
And when life feels as if it's shitting on you, lean on those people who you have collected along the way, those people are really important…I collect people I want to keep. My friends, my chosen family. Those people you can call at 2 am and know they won't be angry. Those people who don't always have the best advice, and may be just as broken, but have your back, and your best interests in mind. Those who are in your corner cheering even when you make a really dumb decision.
And when everyone is busy, hug your dog or your cat. Those souls have been my saviours so many times. When there is no one else, they will be there, with those open arms that are loyal no matter what.
And when everything else fails, turn to yourself and lean in to your strength. It really is in there… If you look hard enough. Play music out loud, make yourself go for a walk, do something different to whatever you have done before. Open a book at random and read the first line, make an appointment with your doctor…. Anything that means you are picking yourself up instead of crawling under a rock.
And when all you can do is crawl under that rock, lean into that as well, stay there for a while. We all have days when we feel sorry for ourselves and that's OK too. As long as it ends and you find it within yourself to pick yourself up again.
And whatever you do, don't pretend to be ok for long, pretending and masking your pain just makes you feel like it doesn't exist and ignore it and that doesn't lead anywhere good.
Weaknesses are normal and everyone has them, they just pretend that they don't exist.
I think to a certain extent I have created my luck. I know I have had a lot of luck in a lot of ways, but I have also tried to make my life better. I know not everyone has the luxury to do what I have done, and there are circumstances that make decisions to change things harder, and obstacles bigger. But I truly believe that we all have the power to advance towards happiness, and I have even heard of political prisoners in the depths of crap making a place in their mind for happiness. No one can take away your spirit.
Life really is shit at times. We all have bad things happen, we all have difficulties. The majority of our issues are external, though. Inside, we all have the same stuff, we all have the same potential and are all equal. I choose to stay positive and have undying optimism that life will get better, even when shit rains on me. Like the credit card fraud that I have had today and my effin cancelled card. But it's all shit… It doesn't break me.
Life is yours…live like you mean it.
