Lucky 13

I went back to my ex a year after we broke up. This was after I did some pretty huge psychology work. I felt that my part of the errors made needed mending. I needed to give it another chance just so I could actually look back with the knowledge that I had done everything I could in the relationship. After a great 6 weeks or so, the same cracks started to show. Him working 6 days a week, breaking promises to see me, canceling at the last minute, never revealing where he lived, never meeting any of his friends, never going on a date but just coming to my house for sex.
I recognized the pattern, I spoke to him about it and communicated my needs, clearly. I expressed my developing feelings for him, and my desire to move the relationship to the next level. He went silent. He got angry at me. He ghosted me. So I did what I needed to do in order to keep my dignity intact. I demanded a proper date, with a meal, sharing time together that did not include sex, and asked for his address. It felt to me that this would actually show his commitment to the relationship. I emphasized that if he could not do this, I needed to walk away. I then added that I would not contact him until he came back to me with an answer.
Two days after this, he came back to me with texts, photographs of his birds and casual banter.
Realizing he was giving me crumbs to reel me back in, I asked him straight out if he had an answer for me. That I could not be his "buddy". To let me go, and let me go with the decency that I deserved, with a proper breakup.
It took him a while, but he did. He apologized for his short comings and admitted that he was incapable of a relationship with anyone.
I'm hurting, because I allowed this, I have allowed people to treat me like this.
The difference is, I'm walking away with pride and self love for the very first time in my life. I loved the times when he was present. I hated the times he was not.
I now know that I have done everything I possibly could and he will not change.
As I move forward to the rest of my life, I know. I know for the first time in my life, that I love ME, that I deserve that love and I have closed the door for good on abuse.
No more.
I hope that maybe this will also be a wake up call for him. I wish him all the best. I don't hate him, maybe I will tomorrow for being capable of deception, unconscious as it was.
But the one time I sobbed with joy yesterday was when I realized that as I typed the words in my text, I really, really meant them: " I cannot do this anymore. I love you, but I think I love me more"