I have been single on and off for 14 years. I have failed in
that time to find a partner who not only was emotionally available but was
happy to have the kids around and able to work through difficulties, and
willing to do so.
For many years, I decided I would remain single, because I
had enough on my plate, I was busy raising children and providing for them, and
I just didn’t have the energy for a new relationship as well. And as much as I
love my children and my animals and my life, there were times when I would feel
sorry for myself. Mostly around Christmas time, when the school concert was on
and parents would turn up to watch their children. They would sit together and
enjoy what they had created together, bask in the glow of their kids together.
I wanted that. Instead, I would be there maybe with my mum, or sometimes alone.
The first assembly, parent teacher interviews, the first day at middle school
and high school.
It was lonely.
The hard decisions had to made by myself, the hard
disciplinary actions when I felt that I was damaging my children. The hurtful
teenage “I hate you”, the first period, the first friendship conflict, the
first time and second and third time that I stuffed up and had to say sorry. Or
the times I simply couldn’t be there because work got in the way.
It was hard. I had to pick myself up all the time.
I had good friends to help, but on my darkest days, it was
all too dark even to share. I would just sit in the car on my way to work and
cry, or cry myself to sleep after the kids went to bed.
And I would allow myself these days of “feeling sorry for
myself”, and then I would tell myself that that was enough. I had had my
wallow, what was I going to do about it?
I would pick myself up and instead make a plan.
How was I going to teach my children about divorce? I went
to the library and picked up suitable books to read. We developed systems to
keep track of things: the library box that contained the library books so that
they wouldn’t go missing.
I made lists for the kids to bring things back from their
dad’s house so they wouldn’t be left behind and laminated the lists so they
could re-use them.
I made decisions on my own activities and made play dates
when I was feeling painfully lonely. I strengthened my friendships, I learned
to say no, I sacrificed hours working so that I would have the hours I wanted
and be able to spend the time with the kids instead and be a good parent.
I got my fellowship of General Practice. I wasn’t sure how I
was going to fit in study as well as the kids and work, so I made the point of
studying for just 1 hour every day at bed time for 6 whole months. I committed
to it and I did do it, and although some days I would fall asleep reading my
textbook, I got through the exams and I got my fellowship.
And I did this just allowing myself the occasional “feeling
sorry for myself” day.
About a month ago, I fell in a heap. I was feeling sorry for
myself. Every day. Lamenting the fact that I am still single, that I still
spend important days alone, that I still have so much weight to lose, that I
still have a mortgage and have to work more than I would like because although
the kids are grown up, they still need me more than ever.
I lamented the fact that this is not the life I had planned.
That this is not where I imagined I would be in my life. I started to look at
other people’s lives and feeling all jealous of what they have and what they
have been able to achieve and accomplish. I started to tell myself of course they can afford that when there
are two people earning money in that household.
And then one morning, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed something
my sister had posted about 2 years ago. It was an excerpt from something written
by the great author Paulo Coelho, and I quote:
“As if nothing had
changed overnight, the warrior takes another wrong step and dives once again
into the abyss. Ghosts provoke, loneliness torments him.
Now that he is more
aware of his acts, he did not think this would happen.
But it did. Shrouded
by darkness, he talks to his master.
“Master, I fell again
into the abyss”, he says, “The waters are deep and dark”.
“Remember something”,
responds the master. “It is not the diving that causes the drowning, but the
staying underwater”
The warrior uses his
remaining strength to get out of the situation he is in”.
It was like a lightning strike, a reminder of everything I
have done for the last 14 years. How have I kept from drowning? I have got out
of my situation, I have worked towards getting out of that abyss, time and time
again.
Now that the children are older, there is no excuse for
staying there. I could, and drown.
What exactly is stopping me having exactly the life I want
to have?
Nothing, nothing at all. Everything is possible with hard
work.
So I told myself it was time to stop wallowing. Enough, I
said. Enough!
I got back to the gym. This was always my saving grace:
being fit was the only way I could possibly get through the tough days.
Everything else seemed easy compared to the gym.
And kept the weight down!
I would love to have a really nice outdoor area to go and
sit in.
Guess what? I have an outdoor area. It needs some work and
if I get off my arse and start the cat enclosure I have been meaning to make, I
can open the entire house and let everyone just roam: cats, dogs, bunnies and
people.
The thing is, it is in my power to make my life what I want
it to be. I am free to leave the job that is not satisfying, I could make that
decision if I wanted to. There are pros and cons of course, and I do have
financial responsibilities. But I don’t have to have those either. I could sell
my house and take myself on a travel around Australia trip if I really wanted
to and spend all of my money on that.
The illusion is being trapped.
I am not trapped.
I am not drowning. Because I won’t allow it. Absolutely not.
I am a warrior.
The being single thing is not something I can change in a
hurry, but being lonely is. It is a state of mind to a certain extent. I have
so many people in my life, and it is up to me to continue nurturing those
people and forget those who just take from me. I have allowed people to take
from me without giving in return. Some of those bad relationships have been a
choice.
So, 2019 is looking better than ever. I will have energy to
build castles, and climb mountains.
Feel sorry for yourself, by all means, but use it to make
plans and change your situation. You can. I can.
