Sorry

 

As I fumble my way through life, finding meaning in the dawn. I am guilty as the sunrises and I am guilty as it sets. For I am a fledgling in the tides of life.

No course, no destination, Just an assumption of being.
This life is fickle and dubious and dim. It is set for its own devices and I no longer have any control. I never have. Only the illusion.

I am mother. That is what I am. That I what has saved me.

And now I am not. For the dusk has arrived and the light is leaving, and it is no longer fruitful, it is no longer ripe.

I seek refuge in the darkness of my guilt. I am so sorry.

I was trying to defend you. I was trying to survive.

I bleed into the centuries like a gaping wound, and I cannot control the haemorrhage.

I didn’t make that wound, but I walked around unaware of its presence.

I poked it and prodded it and made it bleed even more,

Because I thought it was safe, healed, done.

And yet I am never done.

I am forever doomed to repeat, and renew, and pardon and beg.

I am forever wondering and just managing, and waiting.

And rescuing this soul that doesn’t heal, and it is in stasis and congealed.

I fix hoses, and stitch wounds, I manage castles that are broken and bent.

To provide meaning and distance and tracks that lead me to somewhere where I will forever belong.

I cannot stop this train , this horse, this massive machine of momentum.

I am powerless and small. And just me.

And that is all I will ever be.

I will never know if it is enough, or right, or just, or fair, or forever.

I only know that I am true, I am alive, I am humble and beginning at the end.

I am grey and misty and young and free. And I belong to life long habits that may never satisfy anyone other than her. That silky smooth flower with pigtails and blue gold.

For she is mine and I am hers. That is all that is true. My love endures and never ever shall I forgive the darkness for destroying my peace. And more than ever, theirs. My ones. My onlies.

They are my forever. Without them, the despair swallows me whole. Without them I am nothing and never would be.

All this.

All this.

And no more. And yet so much more.

Forgive me, for I did not know.

Forgive me, allow me to destroy all that is wrong, allow me to learn, and take all that hurt.

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I didn’t know.

And the more I tried, the more I broke.

I am so sorry.

Waves crushing and turning and changing and evolving and it is all OK

Life is just a collection of ups and downs. Sometimes the ups are numerous and then I have found, there is often a wave of downs that require the strength of a leviathan to endure.

I am not sure, but I think I have ridden these summersaulting waves on and off for years. I am not sure if everyone goes through this, but I am often in awe of the unfair amount of disruption I have had to endure.

I am not sure that there is any sort of reward for this effort. I dont think there is a rhyme or reason for it. It just is.

And then we get old and pass the baton to the younger generation to do the same again. And it is all quite irrelevant. 

I don't say that with any remnant of sadness, it is just a fact.

Which is why I am culling memory boxes full of shit that no one will give a fuck about when I am dead. It is all stuff…. Nothing more and nothing less.

I will just live while I am alive and then die when it is my turn.

Would I like to share this mortal coil? Of course! Life has been pretty lovely but lonely at times. I dream of a companion who will make everything OK. But that is not going to happen, so I better get used to just watching the world happen as I watch.

I get pretty tired. And I am sure some of it is of my own making, as I set myself huge tasks to fulfill. But if I didn't, I'd be afraid that I would not leave any mark. At least this way I may be remembered when I am long gone. 

Maybe. Or maybe not.

There are lots of us people who do not conform to the norm. Weirdoes who aren't in a marriage, or have conventional 9 to 5 jobs. And that is ok. I wish there was a community of us, somewhere to belong. The world has become so divided and so quiet. There is so much instantaneous communication, and yet none when you stop and listen.

I crave connection, and always will. That is my wish for the human race. Communicate and connect with others, or we will get lost. We will fall asleep in the vast forever and be no more. 

Waves recede, waves crash, waves go quiet and are barely noticeable. The ocean is just like life. And maybe we are just biological processes that are echoed everywhere. And we are just aware. Maybe it's our reward. Or our punishment. I am not sure which.

Life cycles and weaves and changes and turns. And I am glad it does. But I can also be sad that it does. Both feelings are valid and true and so present.

I am so happy, and at times so sad, for exactly the same reasons. I wish I was not quite this self aware and that I could just coast along unconsciously. Not sure why I have been dealt this card. But I have, and so here we are. Onwards we go.

Next chapter? Do your worst. And your best. You are both welcome and I am ready.