The big wave

 

Grief is like a big wave that takes you by surprise no matter how many times you see it coming or no matter how experienced a surfer you are. You get bowled over every time and it doesn’t diminish in intensity.

Every time. It hurts the same.

Meh, I’ve felt it before, it can’t be that bad. And yet it is.

And the complexity increases because every time you seem to grieve everyone you have grieved before all over again. And you share the grief for others as well. Those who you know are in as much pain as you are.

I know it is the cost of love. And I have agreed to pay it. In the mistaken belief that I will feel less because I have felt it before. Well, that is not how it works.

This time I am even grieving for the pain I will leave behind when I die.

 And the pain I’ll feel when the next one dies. And so on.

I wish I was a bit less complicated.

The truth is, however, that I have felt loved, and cared about, and understood. And that matters. That makes a huge difference.

And the pain is equal no matter who you lose, or how long your relationship was, or how long you knew the person or being. Loss is loss and no amount of intellectualisation seems to alter it in any way.

The wave keeps hitting you over and over  again. Sometimes when you are staring into space, sometimes when you wake in the night and can’t get back to sleep. Sometimes when someone asks if you are OK. Sometimes straight after you finish laughing at a joke.

Seemingly unrelated events spiral into pain and tears. Later replaced by routine and meals. And sometimes out of the blue the lump you swallow all day surfaces as soon as you are alone and you cry again, no end in sight. Wracking sobs that feel never-ending.

Still I regret nothing.

Still I will do it again. Still I will embark on future love that will ensure I will lose again. I am not alone, I am here and I am living,  feeling, enmeshed in the very fabric of being. And that is a good thing. That is powerful and welcome and emotion can never be a bad thing. No matter how ugly it feels at the time.

I also know from experience that it will ease, it will diminish. Every moment spent emptying that tank of pain is a moment less I have to spend feeling it. It extinguishes, and is replaced by soothing moments, experience, love and time.

It does make everything else harder and I am grateful for some time for contemplation, peace and recreation.

 

 

 

the sun

 

 You came to us by chance,

Red and beaming like the sun.

Creating light where there was fear and pain.

You soothed her soul like a poultice to a wound.

You filled a gap that gawped like a mouth drooping open.

You healed a deep ache that effervesced in the gloom.

And now you leave us,

With a quiet so final.

A whisper without complaint.

A tear that dries before it hits the ground.

Your unassuming glory lives in us.

Every moment augmented by your kind beauty and your absolute grace.

Our love yearns to save you,

To rescue you again.

So you can live on with us in the mortal plane.

Let my strength be your 10^th life.

Let my love return the kindness that your life has bestowed.

For the pain of your passing is as unbearable as any other eulogy.

You are worshipped, my goddess.

You are perfect, and unique.

You are the lithe perfection on this earth and beyond.

And I promise that my oath remains unwavering.

I will love you and care for you until the air leaves your trembling lungs.

For you are mine, we are yours.

The pain is no less,

You will never be inferior in our eyes.

Because your perfection shines on

Through the centuries and the pyramids will carve your name.

In this life and the next.

If you choose to leave us, know that you are forever.

As long as my consciousness lives, you will be alongside me.

Your gift keeps on giving,

And her life is evidence of your power.

You magician of pure softness,

Velvety beacon of hope and dreams.

Sleep tight if you must.

Our tears will dry, but your legacy will extend for centuries we cannot see.

You goddess of pure grace.

Result of evolutionary abundance and pinnacle of beauty.

Your muscled perfection inspires me and revives me.

Shine on, Rama.